It is always my goal to bring you real-life, practical, down to earth insight on building the relationships you want and need. Today is no different.

If you find yourself having the same fight over and over again - There are reasons for that and it is not that your spouse is a jerk or that the two of you are not compatible. Fighting about the same thing repeatedly is a sign that there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

Why you keep having the same fight and how to fix it

Here’s a breakdown of how to get out of that bad cycle:

Couples often find themselves stuck in the same fight over and over again—not because they’re stubborn or love drama, but because something deeper is usually going unresolved. Here’s a breakdown of why this happens and how to fix it:

Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight

1. The surface issue isn’t the real issue
   The argument may be about dishes or who forgot to text back—but the deeper issue is often about feeling unappreciated, disconnected, or not prioritized.

2. Unmet emotional needs
   If one partner needs reassurance, connection, or autonomy and those needs aren't being acknowledged, arguments become repetitive protests: "Do you see me? Do I matter to you?"

3. Different communication styles
   One person might shut down when hurt, while the other needs to talk things out immediately. These differences can make both feel invalidated or misunderstood.

4. Old wounds get triggered
   Sometimes, unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships get projected into the current relationship. The partner becomes a symbol of an old hurt—like abandonment, rejection, or control.

5. Lack of repair after conflict
   If arguments aren’t followed by true resolution or emotional reconnection, the feelings linger—and come right back up the next time there’s tension.

 How to Break the Cycle

1. Identify the pattern—not just the topic
   Ask yourselves: What’s the real fight beneath the fight? Maybe it’s not about who took out the trash, but about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.

2. Use “soft starts”
   How a conversation begins often determines how it ends. Instead of "You never help me!", try "I've been feeling really stretched lately, and I could use more help."

3. Name the underlying need
   Express what you’re actually needing—not just what you're angry about. For example: “When you cancel our plans, I feel like I don’t matter to you.”

4. Pause the fight and return later
   If things get too heated, take a 20-minute break to calm your nervous system. But make a commitment to return and finish the conversation with care.

5. Focus on repair, not blame
   After conflict, turn toward each other. This might be a simple "I'm sorry I got defensive" or “Can we talk about what each of us needed in that moment?”

6. Consider couples therapy or coaching
   A neutral third party can help uncover core patterns and teach communication strategies that actually stick.

One Last Thought

Repetitive arguments are often cries for connection, not signs of incompatibility. The goal isn’t to never fight—but to fight better, with more empathy, curiosity, and a shared desire to understand.

And Remember…

Pre-orders for my book Learning Love are now available. Visit www.markahicks.com for all the details

"LOVE CONSTRAINED WAS NEVER INTENDED. IT IS TO BE EXPRESSED, ENJOYED, DECLARED, AND REVEALED. LOVE IS AN ADORATION, A CHERISHING, A CELEBRATION, A SAVORING, A PRIZED TREASURE, A GLORIOUS INDULGENCE, A BEAUTIFUL LUXURY, A FANCIFUL DELIGHT.” —— LEARNING LOVE, DR. MARK A. Hicks

For more on avoiding that same old argument, Click Here

For insight on life, love, and relationships check out The Learning Love Podcast and my YouTube channel.

Love well, everyone.

Mark