Love and the Holidays

The holiday season can be wonderful, stressful, hectic, joyful, heartwarming, annoying, exhilarating and exhausting. In this week’s newsletter we will cover three questions:

• Are you taking care of yourself?

• Are you grieving this Christmas?

• How do you deal with those annoying family members?

Answer these questions well and you can make the holidays all you hope them to be.

Are you taking care of yourself too?

We are in the full swing of the holiday season and stress levels may be getting high for some. So, here are a few things to remember:

This is supposed to be fun. Peace on earth, good will, most wonderful time of the year - yeah, all that stuff. If you're driving yourself crazy and everyone else around you crazy this holiday season, maybe it’s time to take a breath and show yourself a little mercy. Self-compassion can go a long way. You may not be able to make everything perfect, but it can still be good - and good is what we are going for. We want good things this year, even if they are not perfect. Love yourself enough to enjoy the holiday season without letting those perfectionistic tendencies get the better of you.

Here are a few things that can make your holiday season a little less stressful:

Simplify Your Holiday To-Do List

The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

• Prioritize what matters: Focus on activities or traditions that truly bring you joy, and let go of unnecessary tasks.

• Delegate: Share responsibilities with family and friends, like cooking or decorating, to ease the load.

• Embrace shortcuts: Opt for simpler options, like pre-made dishes or digital cards, to save time and energy.

Stay Connected with Supportive People

The holidays can be isolating for some, so intentionally foster connection.

• Reach out: Call or text friends and family, even if you can’t see them in person.

• Plan small gatherings: Keep things intimate and low-pressure with a cozy get-together or virtual hangout.

• Limit toxic interactions: Spend time with those who uplift you and minimize time with individuals who drain your energy.

Nurture Your Mind and Spirit

Keep your mental and emotional health a priority.

• Stick to a routine: Maintain daily habits like journaling, meditating, or exercising to stay grounded. The holidays are no time to pause these things.

• Engage in mindfulness: Practice deep breathing or a few moments of quiet reflection when you feel stressed.

• Celebrate in your way: If traditional holidays don’t resonate with you, create your own unique rituals that bring meaning and peace.

Is this a Blue Christmas? 

Maybe someone you love isn't here this year. Has there been a death in the family? Maybe an adult child is having Christmas at the home of their significant other this year. Maybe it's the first year after your divorce, and the traditions you built with someone you used to love are now just a hurtful memory. 

There's no way to make everything instantly well when you are hurting, but here's something to consider: A little goes a long way when you are hurting. A phone call with a friend. A quiet dinner with those who are special to you. Maybe just a quiet moment for yourself where you take some time to breathe. When your world has drastically changed, don't expect to have the same cheery attitude that you may have had in the past. 

Instead, look for a moment. Maybe there will even be a few moments. One or two really special moments can be enough. It is not enough to make everything OK, but enough to make this season special in its own way. Look for them. Create them. Find a way to have a moment or even a few of them that demonstrate that life can still be good. A blue Christmas can still be a special, heartfelt time.

As you do that, here are a few more things to consider:

Adjust Traditions If Needed

• Keep What Comforts You: Continue traditions that bring warmth and connection to your loved one’s memory.

• Let Go of the Rest: Release traditions that feel too painful or overwhelming this year.

• Create New Rituals: Honor your loved one by lighting a candle, preparing their favorite dish, or setting aside time for reflection.

Lean on Your Support System

• Reach Out to Trusted People: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about how you’re feeling.

• Share Memories: Reminiscing with others who knew your loved one can be healing.

• Don’t Be Afraid to Say No: Protect your energy by skipping events or gatherings that feel too difficult.

Practice Self-Compassion

• Be Gentle With Yourself: Grief is not linear, and it’s okay to have good and bad days.

• Allow Joy Without Guilt: Experiencing happiness or laughter during the holidays doesn’t diminish your love or memory of the person.

• Set Realistic Expectations: Avoid placing pressure on yourself to make everything “perfect.”

Use Coping Strategies for Emotional Waves

• Plan Ahead: Anticipate triggers (e.g., certain songs, traditions) and decide how you’ll handle them.

• Take Breaks: Step away from overwhelming situations to breathe, reflect, or cry if needed.

• Focus on the Moment: Engage your senses to ground yourself in the present.

Connect to Spiritual or Cultural Practices

• Lean Into Faith or Spirituality: If meaningful to you, participate in services, prayers, or rituals that provide comfort.

• Explore Cultural Traditions: Many cultures have beautiful ways of honoring ancestors and the departed during holidays.

Remember, Grief Can Coexist With Joy

• Find Small Moments of Comfort: Whether it’s enjoying a warm drink, watching a favorite movie, or listening to music, allow yourself to savor gentle pleasures.

• Let Laughter In: Sometimes, joy emerges in unexpected ways; embrace it as part of healing.

Know When to Seek Help

• Reach Out if You’re Overwhelmed: If grief feels unmanageable, consider speaking to a counselor or joining a support group.

• Consider Specialized Resources: Groups like The Compassionate Friends or GriefShare can offer a safe space to share and process your feelings.

Reflect and Release

• End the Season With Reflection: Take time to journal or meditate on what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown.

• Release the Pressure: Grieving during the holidays doesn’t have to look a certain way. Honor your process, whatever that may be.

What About Those Annoying Family Members?

Oh, yes. Everyone has them. That uncle, or that aunt, or that cousin - someone that annoys the heck out of you, and during the holidays, there's no escape. Well, actually, there is. Know your boundaries. Understand the difference between annoying and abusive. We put up with annoying. We do not allow abuse. But if what we are talking about is an annoyance, here are some tips:

1. Set Realistic Expectations

• Acknowledge Reality: Accept that some family members may behave in ways that annoy you. Trying to change them in the moment can be futile.

• Focus on Control: Remember, you can't control others, but you can control your responses.

2. Establish Boundaries

• Predefine Limits: Decide beforehand what topics or behaviors you won’t engage with (e.g., politics, parenting advice).

• Communicate Kindly: If someone crosses a line, gently steer the conversation or remove yourself if necessary. Example: "Let’s change the subject" or "Excuse me, I need a moment."

3. Practice Emotional Regulation

• Deep Breathing: Use slow, deep breaths to stay calm in the moment.

• Mindful Grounding: Notice your surroundings and focus on something neutral (e.g., the decor or a conversation you enjoy).

• Take Breaks: Step outside or go to another room to reset when things get overwhelming.

4. Prepare Neutral Responses

• Deflect Tactfully: For intrusive questions or comments, have light responses ready, such as:

  • "That’s an interesting point. Let’s talk about something fun!"

  • "I’d rather focus on enjoying today, how about you?"

• Use Humor: A good laugh can diffuse tension and lighten the mood.

5. Find Your Allies

• Team Up: Identify family members or friends who share your feelings and can provide support or distraction during tough moments.

• Buddy System: Plan ahead to check in with someone who understands your limits.

6. Focus on the Positive

• Shift Your Attention: Pay attention to the family members and traditions you enjoy.

• Express Gratitude: Reflect on what you appreciate about the gathering, even if it's just the food or a shared laugh.

7. Have an Exit Plan

• Set Time Limits: If things get too much, it’s okay to leave early or spend limited time at events.

• Create an Excuse: Prepare a polite reason to step away if needed, like tending to a phone call or helping in the kitchen.

8. Prioritize Self-Care

• Recharge: Schedule quiet time before and after gatherings to decompress.

• Bring Comfort Items: Whether it’s a favorite snack, headphones, or a journal, bring something that helps you feel grounded.

9. Reframe the Experience

• Cultivate Empathy: Try to see things from their perspective—they might be struggling in ways you can’t see.

• Choose Your Battles: Some annoyances aren’t worth the energy; let go of minor irritations.

10. Celebrate Your Wins

• Reflect Afterward: Acknowledge how well you managed the day, even if it wasn’t perfect.

• Learn for Next Time: Note what worked and what you’d like to adjust for future interactions.

Morgan James Publishing just sent me the first advanced copies of my book Learning Love. Pre-orders will be available soon. I’ll keep you posted at www.markahicks.com

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and much love to you all.

Love well everyone.

Mark